Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
