I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
