This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
