it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
