Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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