the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
