Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
