all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
