when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
