When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
PANTIES FOUND
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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