i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
