She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
