i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
