The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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