I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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