when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize