Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize