You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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