Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
