i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
