here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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