i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Randomize
