I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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