Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
These tits shall not be calmed
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
