some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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