I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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