Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
