someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
