she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
