i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
