dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
