thus making me awesome and them whores
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
