she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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