i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
