Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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