Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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