As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
