Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
