I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
