a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
