I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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