my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
