you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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