We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
