The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
