stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
