I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
