Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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