I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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