My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
