The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
