she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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