I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
