Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
