so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
