i love accidental penises.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
