some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
