The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
