I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
